my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
