last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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