I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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