So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
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I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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