Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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