Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
