Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
