Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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