i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
