an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
