fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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