I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
