Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
