I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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