my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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