Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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