Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
