These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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