i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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