he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
