Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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