There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
