apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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