What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
