I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
