I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
