I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
