Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
