fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
