just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
