So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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