dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
