...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
