I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
