I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
