May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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