For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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