Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
