wrigley field is MILF paradise
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
