Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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