I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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