If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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