I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
