Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
