I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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