well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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