is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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