im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
