i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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