I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
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while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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