Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
