i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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