I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
