I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
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Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
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He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The Olympian is in my bed
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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