I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
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do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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